My Game: Inner Reflection

Alex Grey’s portrait on Inner Reflection.

Through the years, I have learned a lot, and usually the hard way. Even my music taste changed alot through it. Starting my journey with classic 70’s rock to Sludge and Death metal. I changed alot. Yet, I did not let the world change me, but I more of changed myself willingly.

I don’t necessarily need to start from the beginning, but I could say that the past 5 years were very interesting to say the least. I had too much on my mind, that I couldn’t say, too much critiques, too much of everything. I became obviously distant from everyone and I just sat at home reading on communism or psychoanalysis. If I wasn’t reading, I was playing the bass and getting comfortable with music in general. To me, it was like a bad joke that I couldn’t get, only to discover that the punchline was me.

I believe the problem advances in the summer of 2016, I loathed everything and I would only sit with myself doing my hobbies. Even contact with my parents have dwindled at that point, due to their hatred of my music hobbies, which was taking a dark turn and they believed it affected me. At that point of time I was very into Black Metal, but not just regular Black Metal, but the sub-genre Depressive Suicidal Black Metal and Satanic Pagan Black Metal. Bands like Shining, Mayhem, Burzum and Emperor, were cults and I followed their music to the core. It was at this time, that I was truly depressed. I was unaccepted by most, overweight, would play what was believed as shitty music and my favorite sad song would be that of Desolation.

This all changed in 2017, when I gained my freedom with a semester abroad in Vancouver, Canada. There I made friends with like minded people, in the few months I stayed, all the underground metal clubs in East Hastings and Gastown, knew me. I attended too many hardcore metal bands playing in basements and selling their CD’s for as low as 4$, just to get some coverage. At this point of time, I was also into much psychedelic drugs, things like LSD, Speed,DMT, Marijuana and my favorite Opiates. I was for sure not addicted, but I used these drugs to enhance my music experience. The idea that use of these specific drugs is strictly bad and must be banned from society, is a very narrow idea. These drugs I took definitely were enhancements, to excessively use them, is what’s wrong. We could even argue that alcohol is more harmful than the drugs I took, and surprisingly I only tried alcohol twice. If you believe that recreational and psychedelic drugs should be banned, then please burn all your music and your art, because I am pretty sure that most good music had some drugs behind it.

The question is: Why am I writing all of this?

Even I don’t have an answer for that. What I can say is that this all leads to the objective of creating my own game. I began to change my habits, when one day in Canada, I started to look too much in the small pond on Burnaby Campus, and I saw that I still wasn’t happy, that all the things I did, only satisfied my inner pleasure. Then, at that point of my life, I realized the huge difference between pleasure and happiness, as they both in no way intersect, but are parallel lines that will never meet.

Once I realized that, I disturbingly changed. My music taste changed, switching more to a Progressive groovy metal style, more atmospheric and less pagan. I switched my Black Metal into Death Metal, albums with themes like Global Warming, or space exploration. I stopped the drugs, suffering no symptoms to it and all of this was in a month.

I began to self-reflect and accept who I am. That I have a certain different path from the rest, not higher or lower than them, but just different. I won’t be accepted by most and that I should find comfort in sitting alone with myself, my own company, and that’s okay. At that point, that bad joke, dissolved in my head.

I think what I want to send in this game of mine is to allow people to reflect on themselves. I want this game to be an ultimate choice and consequences game that would test their thinking. The game would be a narrative on a schizophrenic, depressed, substance abuser detective, who is solving a major crime. However, the ending scene is in a mental hospital, in which the player discovers that all the choices he chose, was only in the detective’s mind and that the choices the player makes, will be decisive for the mental health on the detective, that can lead him to suicide.

I will research more on the topic, but most of my friends are recovering addicts, or still addicted themselves. My interactions with them throughout the years has given me experience.

What I am trying to do is to disturb the player himself, by creating a Freudian nightmare. Only through a disturbance of what he/she believes in or by immersing the player in the detective’s shoes, can the player be disturbed. I am planning on creating difficult scenarios, that would question the morality of said player and choosing multiple ending scenarios that would be affected from the player’s choices throughout the game. The game will be accompanied with depressive and disturbing music that would not just let him empathize with the detective, but to truly be the detective.

I am in the process of creating scenarios, but it is still a work in progress, with more research and by the weekend, I will have a solid plot prepared. But basically the detective will be solving a crime X and through this, he will interact with different people, the player will get to experience the detective’s life while battling his own mental illnesses and painkiller substance abuse, the player’s choices, will hang the balance between the life and death of the detective himself.

2 thoughts on “My Game: Inner Reflection”

  1. wow, this is deep and complex, as I guess I should expect from you, given past interactions. I’m really curious how this will go, and interested to watch you experiment with it, but am slightly disturbed by the mention of suicide in this context… what do you hope to achieve with this game, what would the player learn when they play it? Do you want them to put themselves in your shoes and walk through them to reach… something? What is the thing? Or do you want them to question their choices and their consequences? Let me know a little more.. on here or in person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Like Depression Quest, the character can reach a chronic depression that is too severe, one that would probably lead to the taking of his own life. What I am trying to say is the choices and consequences of my character will affect him and those he (believes) are real, and reflect on his mental health. Therefore, I want the player to experience the consequences of his/her own choices. I am currently writing the story, so fingers crossed I can be able to send the message.

      Like

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